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DIVORCED? NOW WHAT? DID YOU IGNORE THE SIGNS – PART ll?

My conclusion in my previous Blog “Divorced? Now What? Did You Ignore the Signs?” was as followed:

If a couple wants their marriage to survive they must put God first, communicate with each other during the good and bad – not their family members, and plan and work towards a common goal and understanding.  All must realize that one’s perspective is their reality until both perspectives are discussed and analyzed.

However, what if only one spouse truly believes the above conclusion? What if one spouse says the right thing, but his/her actions show otherwise? What if there are signs of infidelity? Does Marriage Counseling really work? What if you ignored the signs due to his/her portrayal of spirituality?

In any marriage there are going to be differences of opinion. If a spouse expects everything to go his/her way, because that’s how it always has been, but all of a sudden it stops, communication is usually the first to go. That spouse begins to hold their true feelings to themselves. The built up feelings usually result in anger, ill feelings, hatred and disrespect towards that spouse. Ultimately, the built up feelings allows room for the evil spirit to enter their mind to further put a wedge in the marriage and eventually destroy it. The other spouse may not even have a clue that he/she is bothered to such extent, until their non communication leads to a lack of emotional and physical connection resulting in less intimacy and eventually infidelity. Yes, one thing usually leads to another real fast. This is usually due to ones ego, temptation, doubt, revenge and/or the need to feel wanted and appreciated.

Once that spouse finds consolation in someone who does not know him/her like their spouse does, they begin to gain their ego back. They feel good, like they did when everything was usually going their way in the household. They eventually communicate with their spouse again, but on a limited basis. They are happier than they were, but distant. Then the signs appear. They begin to work late, meet up with friends (whom they have never mentioned before) on weekends and after work, they begin to wear more and different cologne/perfume, dress differently, new underwear and no intimacy at home. They text more than normal all while ensuring that the phone is always faced down and/or close by when not in use. They have mysterious ringtones never used before and/or a code is now needed in order to gain access to use the cell phone. Money in joint accounts begin to dwindle, but when one spouse wants to know what has happened to the extra money, then the other wants a separate bank account (these signs are in no way all-inclusive and normally do not stand alone).

The spouse who has been faithful wonders what is happening with their marriage. He/she begins to regret not allowing things to go the way they have always gone, for if it had, maybe they would still have a happy marriage. [This goes back to my Blog “Loving Yourself In Order to Receive Love”. Remember in all situations of life “It is HARD to RECEIVE LOVE WHEN SOMEONE KNOWS that THEY MEAN MORE to YOU than YOU DO TO YOURSELF.”] The first thing that comes to the faithful spouse’s mind is Marriage Counseling. Once both agree and begin marriage counseling, the unfaithful spouse say the right things to show improvement, but his/her actions doesn’t quite matchup to what has been discussed and agreed upon. The Marriage Counselor can only go by what has been revealed by the couple during their sessions. When the issues brought up during counseling involve being distant and/or lack of communication, the Marriage Counselor normally suggests that the couple spend more time together; therefore, he/she advises the couple to have a night out for dinner or dance on a weekly basis. Although agreed upon, the unfaithful spouse is afraid that the one they’re with outside of the marriage may just be out and see him/her with their spouse. So instead of going out as agreed upon, the spouse picks up something to eat and bring it home as if the action taken was really an effort to spend QUALITY time together; while, in reality, that spouse may have just been protecting self from being exposed. Meanwhile, the faithful spouse continues to believe in his/her marriage because the unfaithful spouse has such a good reputation and is looked upon as a faithful member of the church and in the community. Because he/she believes that the unfaithful spouse is more spiritually connected than they are, the faithful spouse is totally clueless about the reality of the situation, until the unfaithful spouse files for a divorce and is soon remarried after the divorce is final.

A successful marriage requires commitment and compromise; however, many only appreciate marriage when things are going so well that no compromising and/or commitment is needed. If everything in life was good, there would be no mishaps to help one to grow and depend on God through his Son Jesus Christ. All marriages should have God as the foundation and be framed on trust, honesty, commitment, communication and forgiveness. Before you make the commitment, make sure you know what it entails. No one is going to agree upon everything all the time; therefore, listening, forgiving, communicating and compromising is essential to making it last.