Tag Archives: trust

DOES A GOOD WOMAN HAVE A CHANCE AT TRUE LOVE WITH A GOOD MAN?

This is a question that many women have today.  However, how does one really define a good woman?  I guess more importantly, how does a man define a female as being a good woman?  Is being a good woman enough?  Inquiring minds of good women want to know!!

Many of the women whom I find myself speaking with have the same questions.  Many, including myself define a good woman as one who is spiritual, financially responsible, career oriented, virtuous, and takes care of her children (if she has any), her home, as well as her man.  However, many seem to end up with the short end of the stick when it comes to being blessed with a good man.  Why is that?  Does an independent woman intimidate a man?  Is it true that a man would prefer a needy woman so that they don’t have to live up to the expectations of an independent woman?   Are women impatient on waiting for who God has for them? What is it!!??

 On the quest of real love, one question that seems to come up more often than anything is “Am I Being Too Picky”.   My answer is, besides God, only you know what you’re willing to accept or not accept in a relationship.  When you start deviating from your desires that you prefer in a man in order to fit a prospect, you have back paddled and settled.  The problem is that eventually the characteristic that you settled for will begin to stick out more and more because it naturally becomes the focal point of your self-improvement plan on the one you’ve settled for.  This plan entails changing a man to fit your desires instead of loving and accepting him for who he is.  It’s not like he made you settle or lied to you as to who he really was.  You decided to accept him while subconsciously believing that you will change him.  The fact is that you cannot change or control a man’s character, and trying to do so, eventually leads to another broken relationship.   Why do I say this?  Because anytime you allow your emotions to be the deciding factor of accepting a man in your life, it will be your emotions that cause him to depart. 

Another question that comes to mind is if it was such an importance that a man possessed a certain characteristic, why was it so easily an exception when he didn’t possess it?  When you alter the desires you want in a man by accepting what you assume is his potential (thinking that you can help him achieve that characteristic, drive, determination, appearance, self esteem, self love, that you have prayed that your man possess) when he is comfortable with who he is and where he is in his life, the problem becomes two-fold.  First, you have shown that your prayer was in vain, because you doubted God from the beginning.  You accepted a man that you knew was not in sync with your prayer.  Second, you have shown the man that you have settled for that you are not honest; therefore, the trust has vanished and the relationship is strained, if not destroyed.  Why do I say this?  Because when you accept a person, you truly are comfortable with the totality of the person regardless of their flaws, shortcomings and/or their lack of desired characteristics. 

Again, everyone has their perspective on relationships and acquiring true love.  So now that the question is out, is there a man brave enough to address the questions posed by inquiring minds of good women?  How do you define a good woman?  Does man really prefer needy women?  Do you believe in he that finds a good wife find a good thing?  If you’re in a relationship or marriage, did you approach your lady first?  Please feel free to expand and voice your opinion. 

Thank you in advance!!  I look forward to participating in an adult dialogue.

 

AFTER DIVORCE – WHAT’S NEXT?

Who said it would be easy?  Many have difficulty adjusting to life after divorce.  Depending on the type of relationship held prior to the divorce, reason(s) for the divorce and the livelihood of each  after the divorce, it can be devastating to one and a blessing to the other; devastating to both, or a blessing to both.  Whatever the cause may be for the divorce, an acceptance of it determines how one moves on with his/her life.

Some may be so used to being married and are totally lost when it comes to dating; whereas, others may be ready for an adventure in hitting the dating scene.  A casual relationship may appease some; whereas, others may long for a committed relationship.  The problem comes when one wants one type of relationship, but the one whom they’re trying to get with wants the opposite. To avoid a misunderstanding or the feeling of being lied to, cheated on or taken advantage of, one must be specific as to what he/she wants when dating.  When one settles on the type of relationship based upon what the other wants or expects; instead of remaining true to self, they establish precedents and/or practices that may become detrimental to a future relationship with that person.  Although it’s good to compromise; setting aside what you want just to please another usually results in unwanted and unnecessary pain, stress, bitterness and misunderstanding.

After a divorce, before getting back into the dating scene and/or beginning a relationship, the following question should be asked of oneself:   Have you allowed yourself a chance to get to know yourself as a single man/woman before getting into a relationship?  Do you have baggage that will only allow you to continue the patterns of behavior you have previously succumbed to?  Have you searched your heart and realized what causes insecurity, intimidation, mistrust, jealousy, hurt and pain within you, and what actions to take to nip in the bud?  Do you really know what makes you happy?  How is your spiritual life?  Are you being proactive or reactive in your prayer life?  What can you bring to the table in a relationship? What are you expecting from a man/woman?   These are just a few questions that will help you to become focused on moving on after divorce.  Until you are able to answer the aforementioned, you stand a chance of reliving your past.  All things are normally good at the beginning.  But LIFE happens after the infatuation wears off and reality sets in.  The question is, “Are you honest and open enough with self to attract the same honesty and openness from another?”

After a divorce, usually one immediately clings to another relationship to sustain the heartache occurred because of the separation.  However, sometimes, it’s because the one who they have clung to is the one who was a major contributor to there being an ex- spouse.  In reality “Did You Train Your Ex for Their Next Lover”?  That’s an interesting topic that I will dive into via future blogs.

Until then, take one day at a time learning and loving you again while fulfilling your desires and dreams.  Remembering the following scriptures:

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5

“In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps.” Proverbs 16:9

“To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven” Ecclesiastes 3:1

 

DIVORCED? NOW WHAT? DID YOU IGNORE THE SIGNS – PART ll?

My conclusion in my previous Blog “Divorced? Now What? Did You Ignore the Signs?” was as followed:

If a couple wants their marriage to survive they must put God first, communicate with each other during the good and bad – not their family members, and plan and work towards a common goal and understanding.  All must realize that one’s perspective is their reality until both perspectives are discussed and analyzed.

However, what if only one spouse truly believes the above conclusion? What if one spouse says the right thing, but his/her actions show otherwise? What if there are signs of infidelity? Does Marriage Counseling really work? What if you ignored the signs due to his/her portrayal of spirituality?

In any marriage there are going to be differences of opinion. If a spouse expects everything to go his/her way, because that’s how it always has been, but all of a sudden it stops, communication is usually the first to go. That spouse begins to hold their true feelings to themselves. The built up feelings usually result in anger, ill feelings, hatred and disrespect towards that spouse. Ultimately, the built up feelings allows room for the evil spirit to enter their mind to further put a wedge in the marriage and eventually destroy it. The other spouse may not even have a clue that he/she is bothered to such extent, until their non communication leads to a lack of emotional and physical connection resulting in less intimacy and eventually infidelity. Yes, one thing usually leads to another real fast. This is usually due to ones ego, temptation, doubt, revenge and/or the need to feel wanted and appreciated.

Once that spouse finds consolation in someone who does not know him/her like their spouse does, they begin to gain their ego back. They feel good, like they did when everything was usually going their way in the household. They eventually communicate with their spouse again, but on a limited basis. They are happier than they were, but distant. Then the signs appear. They begin to work late, meet up with friends (whom they have never mentioned before) on weekends and after work, they begin to wear more and different cologne/perfume, dress differently, new underwear and no intimacy at home. They text more than normal all while ensuring that the phone is always faced down and/or close by when not in use. They have mysterious ringtones never used before and/or a code is now needed in order to gain access to use the cell phone. Money in joint accounts begin to dwindle, but when one spouse wants to know what has happened to the extra money, then the other wants a separate bank account (these signs are in no way all-inclusive and normally do not stand alone).

The spouse who has been faithful wonders what is happening with their marriage. He/she begins to regret not allowing things to go the way they have always gone, for if it had, maybe they would still have a happy marriage. [This goes back to my Blog “Loving Yourself In Order to Receive Love”. Remember in all situations of life “It is HARD to RECEIVE LOVE WHEN SOMEONE KNOWS that THEY MEAN MORE to YOU than YOU DO TO YOURSELF.”] The first thing that comes to the faithful spouse’s mind is Marriage Counseling. Once both agree and begin marriage counseling, the unfaithful spouse say the right things to show improvement, but his/her actions doesn’t quite matchup to what has been discussed and agreed upon. The Marriage Counselor can only go by what has been revealed by the couple during their sessions. When the issues brought up during counseling involve being distant and/or lack of communication, the Marriage Counselor normally suggests that the couple spend more time together; therefore, he/she advises the couple to have a night out for dinner or dance on a weekly basis. Although agreed upon, the unfaithful spouse is afraid that the one they’re with outside of the marriage may just be out and see him/her with their spouse. So instead of going out as agreed upon, the spouse picks up something to eat and bring it home as if the action taken was really an effort to spend QUALITY time together; while, in reality, that spouse may have just been protecting self from being exposed. Meanwhile, the faithful spouse continues to believe in his/her marriage because the unfaithful spouse has such a good reputation and is looked upon as a faithful member of the church and in the community. Because he/she believes that the unfaithful spouse is more spiritually connected than they are, the faithful spouse is totally clueless about the reality of the situation, until the unfaithful spouse files for a divorce and is soon remarried after the divorce is final.

A successful marriage requires commitment and compromise; however, many only appreciate marriage when things are going so well that no compromising and/or commitment is needed. If everything in life was good, there would be no mishaps to help one to grow and depend on God through his Son Jesus Christ. All marriages should have God as the foundation and be framed on trust, honesty, commitment, communication and forgiveness. Before you make the commitment, make sure you know what it entails. No one is going to agree upon everything all the time; therefore, listening, forgiving, communicating and compromising is essential to making it last.