Tag Archives: Relationship

DOES A GOOD WOMAN HAVE A CHANCE AT TRUE LOVE WITH A GOOD MAN?

This is a question that many women have today.  However, how does one really define a good woman?  I guess more importantly, how does a man define a female as being a good woman?  Is being a good woman enough?  Inquiring minds of good women want to know!!

Many of the women whom I find myself speaking with have the same questions.  Many, including myself define a good woman as one who is spiritual, financially responsible, career oriented, virtuous, and takes care of her children (if she has any), her home, as well as her man.  However, many seem to end up with the short end of the stick when it comes to being blessed with a good man.  Why is that?  Does an independent woman intimidate a man?  Is it true that a man would prefer a needy woman so that they don’t have to live up to the expectations of an independent woman?   Are women impatient on waiting for who God has for them? What is it!!??

 On the quest of real love, one question that seems to come up more often than anything is “Am I Being Too Picky”.   My answer is, besides God, only you know what you’re willing to accept or not accept in a relationship.  When you start deviating from your desires that you prefer in a man in order to fit a prospect, you have back paddled and settled.  The problem is that eventually the characteristic that you settled for will begin to stick out more and more because it naturally becomes the focal point of your self-improvement plan on the one you’ve settled for.  This plan entails changing a man to fit your desires instead of loving and accepting him for who he is.  It’s not like he made you settle or lied to you as to who he really was.  You decided to accept him while subconsciously believing that you will change him.  The fact is that you cannot change or control a man’s character, and trying to do so, eventually leads to another broken relationship.   Why do I say this?  Because anytime you allow your emotions to be the deciding factor of accepting a man in your life, it will be your emotions that cause him to depart. 

Another question that comes to mind is if it was such an importance that a man possessed a certain characteristic, why was it so easily an exception when he didn’t possess it?  When you alter the desires you want in a man by accepting what you assume is his potential (thinking that you can help him achieve that characteristic, drive, determination, appearance, self esteem, self love, that you have prayed that your man possess) when he is comfortable with who he is and where he is in his life, the problem becomes two-fold.  First, you have shown that your prayer was in vain, because you doubted God from the beginning.  You accepted a man that you knew was not in sync with your prayer.  Second, you have shown the man that you have settled for that you are not honest; therefore, the trust has vanished and the relationship is strained, if not destroyed.  Why do I say this?  Because when you accept a person, you truly are comfortable with the totality of the person regardless of their flaws, shortcomings and/or their lack of desired characteristics. 

Again, everyone has their perspective on relationships and acquiring true love.  So now that the question is out, is there a man brave enough to address the questions posed by inquiring minds of good women?  How do you define a good woman?  Does man really prefer needy women?  Do you believe in he that finds a good wife find a good thing?  If you’re in a relationship or marriage, did you approach your lady first?  Please feel free to expand and voice your opinion. 

Thank you in advance!!  I look forward to participating in an adult dialogue.

 

IS “WAITING” THE ANSWER?

If you recall, my last blog entitled, “DIVORCED, BUT STILL SINGLE, WAITING, LOOKING….. GIVING UP!? A WOMAN’S PERSPECTIVE!!” ended with a scripture to keep in mind. “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.” Proverbs 18:22

Many women may or may not be aware of the above scripture. However, if they were, would it make a difference? How many would really take the time to focus on “self” and their “relationship” with God instead of running from relationship to relationship?

 I’ve had conversations with many single women that are, and have been waiting on that special man. The problem is when they are approached by a man that is totally opposite of what they desire, they’re so excited to have been approached, that they go against the desires and attributes they would like for the man to possess, and further ignore the warning signs. Although, they have been there and done that, they tend to latch onto a man because he drives a nice vehicle, is handsome, dress nice and smells good. As a repeated cycle of previous relationships, they so badly want things to be as they had hoped for, that instead of running in the opposite direction, they remain and make up excuses for the man’s inconceivable actions (i.e., borrowed car only, no job, poor hygiene (after first week), lies, etc.), and while sometimes blaming themselves for the actions of a man.

There are various reasons for relationships not working out. The main reason is women believing that they’re in a relationship; whereas, men believing they are just friends. So why do women believe they are in a relationship and men do not? Sometimes women believe they are in a relationship because they are giving up their most prized possession too soon, and/or men are treating them as if they are in a relationship; whereas, other times, men tell women what they want to hear to get what they want. Regardless of the reasoning, women should control their emotions more, while analyzing the words of a men with their actions. If they do not correlate, keep it moving. If there are signs that are ignored in the beginning, those signs will get brighter, louder and seen more frequently later.

Sometimes, women say it’s hard to know who is and who isn’t for them. What I have learned over the last couple of years, is whoever God brings to you will know, and you will know as well. Although physical attraction is a start, the spiritual and inward qualities of a man will determine if he’s a keeper, keeping in mind that the woman has to do and be what she expects from a man.

As I close, I wonder what men perspective on the abovementioned scripture is. Of course, everyone interpret things differently; however, I do not believe that there should arise any difficulties in the interpretation of such. It is what it is, and means what it says. So what is the problem? The problem is that many do not know, understand or follow the bible.

All and all, women and men need to realize that God does not need our assistance. He just need for us to get ourselves right within and with him, pray without ceasing, and he will take care of the rest.

So happy that one of my friends have done such, and is experiencing what God has delivered to her. Who’s next? I’m looking forward to God bringing me my Boaz!!

DIVORCED? NOW WHAT? DID YOU IGNORE THE SIGNS?

As a Christian, one will never think of or believe in divorce.  However, when one witness and experience a mental and/or physical abusive marriage, that divorce can be a blessing in disguise; especially if someone SELECTED one who they thought was their soul mate, instead of allowing GOD to ELECT the one that HE knows is their soul mate.  If you haven’t read my first two Blogs, you may need to go to them to understand where I’m coming from.  The warning signs are usually there, but many choose to ignore them because the positives, at the time, outweighed the negatives.

Summarizing the previous two Blogs “Factors that Contribute to Divorce Before Marriage” and “Loving Yourself to Receive Love”, if you aren’t able to deal with a behavior, characteristic or an attitude at the beginning, you won’t be able to deal with either later.  If you do things for or treat your selected soul mate a certain way so that you can be treated the same, you’re fighting a losing battle.  Remember that you have to love yourself in order to receive love.  “The Impressions” says it best: “The Same Thing It Took To Get Your Baby Hook, It’s Going Take The Same Thing To Keep Her”.

Sometime the myths of love and relationships are just as damaging.  For example, one myth is that if the man loves and respects his mother he’s going to love and respect the woman he’s with.  Again, you have to think about the type of love the myth refers to.  As I discussed in the previous Blogs, there are four different meanings in the bible for the word love.  I would hope that a man doesn’t love his mother in an erotic way “Eros” like he would his mate, but as one loves a family member “Storge”.  So we have to remember that everything that sounds good is not always good or apply to situations of today.

So what about these warning signs?  There are so many subtle signs, that both men and women ignore.  The signs can be minor or major; however, if repeated without addressing, it becomes an approved habit or behavior that continues to grow more and more after each success or win.  In a marriage for example, a woman may believe that her money is hers, so she does what she wants with it.  Whereas, the man may believe that they should put all money in a joint account; pay the bills; put some in savings and then divide the money that’s left between each other so that they can do what they please with their portion of the money. The problem comes when their independence along with the inability or unwillingness to compromise questions the love the couple has for one another.  The question arise is if the love they have for each other is based off of the amount of money they have or is it the love that makes each complete with or without money.  Both must truly realize that where the love of money exists, there are lies, mistrust and even competition.  “For the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil. And some people, craving money, have wandered from the true faith and pierced themselves with many sorrows.” 1 Timothy 6:10 In addition, financial woes are a leading cause of divorce.

What if the man makes less money than the woman?  Many men say they don’t care because that’s less they have to worry about.  Some even say that as long as it’s in the household, it doesn’t matter to them.  But is that really the case?  When I say competition in the aforementioned paragraph, I refer to the negative aspect of competition.  Some couples have a healthy competitive spirit.  It’s like motivating one to do their best because the other is doing his/her best.  It’s making plans together to accomplish a common goal, as well as individual goals.  But what if the man and/or woman have a negative competitive spirit?  What if a man brings home less money than a woman, but the woman is okay with it? I won’t say all, but the men I have witnessed in this situation appear to be always trying to prove themselves.  It appeared to always have been a competition for them to prove their worth and/or manhood.  The funny thing is that most, if not all, of the women appreciated them for being the man regardless of how much money they brought home.  If the man took care of business, lead the household, treated the women with love and respect, the man didn’t even have to work in the majority of the marriages I’ve witnessed.  But what was happening with many of the marriages, in which the woman brought home more money, the man would stress himself out by getting two jobs to keep up with the woman’s salary, resulting in more issues within the marriage, such as: not spending time together; not communicating; too tired for intimacy; and a bitterness and/or grudge held against the woman because she was happy either way.   What caused these problems?  Is it a man’s ego, self-worth, has he fulfilled his desires to become the man he wants to become or does he love himself?  All could be issues; however, the key for all problems within a marriage is: 1) to admit there is an issue; 2) determine what the issue is; 3) communicate truth with each other, regardless of the temporary pain it may cause; 4) make a plan and 5) implement plan to eliminate the negative contributing factors.

If a couple wants their marriage to survive they must put God first, communicate with each other during the good and bad – not their family members, and plan and work towards a common goal and understanding.  All must realize that one’s perspective is their reality until both perspectives are discussed and analyzed.

LOVING YOURSELF IN ORDER TO RECEIVE LOVE

How can loving someone be wrong?  In the Bible, the greatest two commandments are “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.”  And the second is like it: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Matthew 22:37, 39

Love is a word or form of expression that many use loosely.  Love has various meanings according to the individual, their beliefs, how they were raised and based on their experiences in life.

The bible speaks of four types of love (i.e. Eros, Storge, Phileo and Agape).  Eros is erotic love. Storge is love between families. Phileo is love shown as a natural affection to another based upon feelings.  Agape is love for one another regardless of imperfections. It is more spiritual in nature without erotic implications.

So what type of love am I referring to in the title, “Loving Yourself In Order To Receive Love”?  I’m referring to a mixture of all the loves combined; particularly, the love that exist in marriages and relationships, especially in the beginning.  Initially, both are on cloud nine. Their significant other can do no wrong.  Unfortunately one love is normally a little stronger than the others.  To make this easier to read, I’ll explain from a woman’s perspective; however, this is not to say that this experience is gender specific or exclusive to a male/female role in its entirety.

All the woman wants to do is show her man that her love is there to stay.  She wants to satisfy his every desire.  She pours everything that she could imagine, want or expect from her man onto him daily (i.e. run his bath water, have food hot and ready to be served to him when he gets home from work, ask him about his day, massage his neck and back, always proactively satisfying his wildest bedroom expectations, etc.).  Within, she’s thinking, okay, he’ll eventually treat me the same way.  Over time, the same routine continues, but now the man has grown accustomed to the treatment and the woman is beginning to lose the drive and momentum to satisfy.  Within, she believes that she is not loved. She’s thinking that she works just like he does and he has never even offered to provide her a massage; he never runs the bath water for her; although he cooks for friends and guests, he never cooks for her or have dinner ready to serve to her; he refuse to hear about the issues she’s having at work and cuts her off when she starts to discuss her problems of the day; no matter how rough or exhausting her day has been he expects that proactive bedroom satisfaction, etc.).

The woman is confused, hurting, depressed and feel as if she is in this marriage/relationship alone.  She feels like she is the door mat, until one day she just decides to stop doing period.  She buys fast food to serve; she tells him to just take a shower because she doesn’t feel like running the bath water or cleaning the tub when he gets out; she never ask him how was his day anymore; she doesn’t provide the usual massage and the proactive bedroom satisfaction is non-existent. So after a week, the man begins to figure that something is wrong.  His woman has changed and he doesn’t have a clue as to why.  He believes that it must be another man.

I can go on and on, but the moral of the story is that, the woman knew what she wanted and her purpose for doing what she did.  Initially, she said she was going to do what she wanted her man to do for her until he sort of caught on instead of telling him what she expected and wanted from him. This does not excuse the man for his selfishness in receiving and not giving back, for both played a significant role in the outcome of the marriage/relationship.  The key is that if the woman would have LOVED HERSELF more than she did her man, they would have never had these issues to begin with.  It is HARD to RECEIVE LOVE WHEN SOMEONE KNOWS that THEY MEAN MORE to YOU than YOU DO TO YOURSELF.  This type of mentality leads room for manipulation, mistrust, bitterness, unfaithfulness and eventually divorce/breakups.

Instead of being upfront with what they expect and plan to bring to a marriage and/or relationship, men/women conform to the lifestyle and acceptance of the other.  Many lose their own identity, self-esteem, independence, drive and most of all LOVE for SELF.  When you LOVE YOURSELF, you will be BETTER ABLE TO LOVE THE ONE YOU’RE WITH and RECEIVE THAT LOVE and SOME BACK.

TAKE THE TIME TO KNOW AND LOVE YOURSELF BEFORE YOU EXPECT ANYONE TO LOVE YOU THE WAY YOU WANT AND DESERVE TO BE LOVED.~ Linda Walker