Tag Archives: Marriage

DIVORCED, BUT STILL SINGLE, WAITING, LOOKING….. GIVING UP!? A WOMAN’S PERSPECTIVE!!

After a divorce, many quickly jump into the dating scene for various reasons: to celebrate their new found freedom, as a sense of revenge, anger, loneliness, afraid to be alone, to prove worthiness, pride, compensate for the pain, replace old love, etc. But eventually, everything begins to get old.  Date after date, same thing and same results. The feelings that caused one to date after divorce have resurfaced. Why?  What causes such feelings to resurface?

Feelings resurface for various reasons.  It could be as a result of a female not really evaluating self long enough to know, love, and appreciate herself as a single woman before getting involved.  It could be that the external attractiveness of a man did not outweigh his negative internal attributes.  It could be that the man’s spirituality wasn’t deeply rooted, just surface grown.  It could be that the woman settled just to fulfill her need to have companionship, even when she saw the red flag(s).   Whatever the reason is, many women who are independent, self sufficient, loving, caring, spiritually grounded find themselves waiting, looking and possibly giving up on FINDING their true SOUL MATE.

WAITING – How long does a woman have to wait for true love?  Many women who have truly evaluated themselves, more than often, have created a list of acceptable and unacceptable attributes that they will or will not tolerate from a man.  Sometimes that list becomes a hindrance to the process; whereas, other times the list becomes a vehicle of progress, keeping the woman focused on the lessons learned from her past relationship(s), marriage, experience(s), as well as reminding her of the ultimate goal.  Does the man have the pertinent attributes to achieve the level of satisfaction that the woman desires and in turn fulfill his desires wholeheartedly as well?  Many will quickly tell a woman that her list is too long or unrealistic; that she’ll never find anyone with all of the listed attributes; and/or that she may be looking over a blessing that God has right in front of her WAITING.  As a result, many throw the list to the side and begin LOOKING for their soul mate.

LOOKING – How do women look for men?  Many women resort to social media, dating websites, church, sporting events, gyms and other social gatherings to look for a man.  However, some just go on with their daily routine waiting while looking, if that makes any sense.  They are out and about, doing their thing, but waiting on the man, who they may have an external attraction for, to approach them.  However, the man don’t approach them.  The women then begin to doubt themselves and wonder why.  Especially, when they see another woman getting the attention of that same man; although she appears to be less professional or lady like and dress very provocative.  So the women not getting the attention begin to lower their standards to obtain the same attention from men.  So their LOOKING becomes to FINDING a man who shows interest in them, but the man showing the interest only has one thing in mind.  Knowing this, the women are so thrilled to finally be noticed, that they go against the grain and against the list they’ve made based off of their past experiences.  While their intuitive spirit tells them to run, they begin to have a relationship with a man who does not measure up to anything on their list and does not add any value to their life.  As a result, many repeat the dreaded cycle of been there, done that, experienced that, reliving it and eventually GIVING UP.

GIVING UP – Why do women give up on finding their soul mate?  Many women give up, because they never put the true effort in evaluating their life, actions or understood why they experienced what they experienced.  They don’t connect the spiritual aspects of life with the physical aspects.  Sometimes, women jump in relationships because they fall head over hills in love with a man because he looks the part, he acts the part, he says the right things, he open doors for her, he pulls out her chair when going out to eat and he appears to be the perfect gentlemen – just can’t  do any wrong.  The next thing you know, the women are in the bed with the men, and guess what!??  The chivalry dissipates and/or the real man appears.  Of course, he could have already showed who he was, but the woman could have been so overwhelmed with what she was getting on the surface that she didn’t evaluate the intent and/or true signs of the relationship or if he even considered it a true relationship.  The problem exist because most women don’t ask the right questions, and most men will not reveal their true intent unless asked, if then.  As a continued cycle, most women fall prey to believing that the men are in love with them because of the time spent with them and the chivalry displayed for them.  Most women, but not all, are very emotional, believing  that intercourse is the most intimate way she can reveal her love for the men who they assume loves them; whereas, most men are logical thinkers. Most men do not connect love to intercourse initially.  Most men may even believe that a woman may be just thanking them for taking her out to eat, for the things he has done and/or that she has finally just given in to what she wanted in the beginning. Regardless of what, the key is to determine intent and consequences of taking it to the next level.  What has anyone gained by being intimate with someone they’ve known for a brief period of time? Do each know the others health status? Have the two gotten an appointment with the health department or have they scheduled a doctor’s visit to get tested for STDs, HIV or AIDS?  As a Woman, have you looked at your checklist to see if he even has the attributes you’re looking for in a man?

The answers provided to the questions above will help you ascertain if you will continue to Wait, Look Or Give up on a Soul Mate.  Women the key thing to remember is “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.” Proverbs 18:22 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”  Proverbs 3:5-6

DIVORCED? NOW WHAT? DID YOU IGNORE THE SIGNS – PART ll?

My conclusion in my previous Blog “Divorced? Now What? Did You Ignore the Signs?” was as followed:

If a couple wants their marriage to survive they must put God first, communicate with each other during the good and bad – not their family members, and plan and work towards a common goal and understanding.  All must realize that one’s perspective is their reality until both perspectives are discussed and analyzed.

However, what if only one spouse truly believes the above conclusion? What if one spouse says the right thing, but his/her actions show otherwise? What if there are signs of infidelity? Does Marriage Counseling really work? What if you ignored the signs due to his/her portrayal of spirituality?

In any marriage there are going to be differences of opinion. If a spouse expects everything to go his/her way, because that’s how it always has been, but all of a sudden it stops, communication is usually the first to go. That spouse begins to hold their true feelings to themselves. The built up feelings usually result in anger, ill feelings, hatred and disrespect towards that spouse. Ultimately, the built up feelings allows room for the evil spirit to enter their mind to further put a wedge in the marriage and eventually destroy it. The other spouse may not even have a clue that he/she is bothered to such extent, until their non communication leads to a lack of emotional and physical connection resulting in less intimacy and eventually infidelity. Yes, one thing usually leads to another real fast. This is usually due to ones ego, temptation, doubt, revenge and/or the need to feel wanted and appreciated.

Once that spouse finds consolation in someone who does not know him/her like their spouse does, they begin to gain their ego back. They feel good, like they did when everything was usually going their way in the household. They eventually communicate with their spouse again, but on a limited basis. They are happier than they were, but distant. Then the signs appear. They begin to work late, meet up with friends (whom they have never mentioned before) on weekends and after work, they begin to wear more and different cologne/perfume, dress differently, new underwear and no intimacy at home. They text more than normal all while ensuring that the phone is always faced down and/or close by when not in use. They have mysterious ringtones never used before and/or a code is now needed in order to gain access to use the cell phone. Money in joint accounts begin to dwindle, but when one spouse wants to know what has happened to the extra money, then the other wants a separate bank account (these signs are in no way all-inclusive and normally do not stand alone).

The spouse who has been faithful wonders what is happening with their marriage. He/she begins to regret not allowing things to go the way they have always gone, for if it had, maybe they would still have a happy marriage. [This goes back to my Blog “Loving Yourself In Order to Receive Love”. Remember in all situations of life “It is HARD to RECEIVE LOVE WHEN SOMEONE KNOWS that THEY MEAN MORE to YOU than YOU DO TO YOURSELF.”] The first thing that comes to the faithful spouse’s mind is Marriage Counseling. Once both agree and begin marriage counseling, the unfaithful spouse say the right things to show improvement, but his/her actions doesn’t quite matchup to what has been discussed and agreed upon. The Marriage Counselor can only go by what has been revealed by the couple during their sessions. When the issues brought up during counseling involve being distant and/or lack of communication, the Marriage Counselor normally suggests that the couple spend more time together; therefore, he/she advises the couple to have a night out for dinner or dance on a weekly basis. Although agreed upon, the unfaithful spouse is afraid that the one they’re with outside of the marriage may just be out and see him/her with their spouse. So instead of going out as agreed upon, the spouse picks up something to eat and bring it home as if the action taken was really an effort to spend QUALITY time together; while, in reality, that spouse may have just been protecting self from being exposed. Meanwhile, the faithful spouse continues to believe in his/her marriage because the unfaithful spouse has such a good reputation and is looked upon as a faithful member of the church and in the community. Because he/she believes that the unfaithful spouse is more spiritually connected than they are, the faithful spouse is totally clueless about the reality of the situation, until the unfaithful spouse files for a divorce and is soon remarried after the divorce is final.

A successful marriage requires commitment and compromise; however, many only appreciate marriage when things are going so well that no compromising and/or commitment is needed. If everything in life was good, there would be no mishaps to help one to grow and depend on God through his Son Jesus Christ. All marriages should have God as the foundation and be framed on trust, honesty, commitment, communication and forgiveness. Before you make the commitment, make sure you know what it entails. No one is going to agree upon everything all the time; therefore, listening, forgiving, communicating and compromising is essential to making it last.

DIVORCED? NOW WHAT? DID YOU IGNORE THE SIGNS?

As a Christian, one will never think of or believe in divorce.  However, when one witness and experience a mental and/or physical abusive marriage, that divorce can be a blessing in disguise; especially if someone SELECTED one who they thought was their soul mate, instead of allowing GOD to ELECT the one that HE knows is their soul mate.  If you haven’t read my first two Blogs, you may need to go to them to understand where I’m coming from.  The warning signs are usually there, but many choose to ignore them because the positives, at the time, outweighed the negatives.

Summarizing the previous two Blogs “Factors that Contribute to Divorce Before Marriage” and “Loving Yourself to Receive Love”, if you aren’t able to deal with a behavior, characteristic or an attitude at the beginning, you won’t be able to deal with either later.  If you do things for or treat your selected soul mate a certain way so that you can be treated the same, you’re fighting a losing battle.  Remember that you have to love yourself in order to receive love.  “The Impressions” says it best: “The Same Thing It Took To Get Your Baby Hook, It’s Going Take The Same Thing To Keep Her”.

Sometime the myths of love and relationships are just as damaging.  For example, one myth is that if the man loves and respects his mother he’s going to love and respect the woman he’s with.  Again, you have to think about the type of love the myth refers to.  As I discussed in the previous Blogs, there are four different meanings in the bible for the word love.  I would hope that a man doesn’t love his mother in an erotic way “Eros” like he would his mate, but as one loves a family member “Storge”.  So we have to remember that everything that sounds good is not always good or apply to situations of today.

So what about these warning signs?  There are so many subtle signs, that both men and women ignore.  The signs can be minor or major; however, if repeated without addressing, it becomes an approved habit or behavior that continues to grow more and more after each success or win.  In a marriage for example, a woman may believe that her money is hers, so she does what she wants with it.  Whereas, the man may believe that they should put all money in a joint account; pay the bills; put some in savings and then divide the money that’s left between each other so that they can do what they please with their portion of the money. The problem comes when their independence along with the inability or unwillingness to compromise questions the love the couple has for one another.  The question arise is if the love they have for each other is based off of the amount of money they have or is it the love that makes each complete with or without money.  Both must truly realize that where the love of money exists, there are lies, mistrust and even competition.  “For the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil. And some people, craving money, have wandered from the true faith and pierced themselves with many sorrows.” 1 Timothy 6:10 In addition, financial woes are a leading cause of divorce.

What if the man makes less money than the woman?  Many men say they don’t care because that’s less they have to worry about.  Some even say that as long as it’s in the household, it doesn’t matter to them.  But is that really the case?  When I say competition in the aforementioned paragraph, I refer to the negative aspect of competition.  Some couples have a healthy competitive spirit.  It’s like motivating one to do their best because the other is doing his/her best.  It’s making plans together to accomplish a common goal, as well as individual goals.  But what if the man and/or woman have a negative competitive spirit?  What if a man brings home less money than a woman, but the woman is okay with it? I won’t say all, but the men I have witnessed in this situation appear to be always trying to prove themselves.  It appeared to always have been a competition for them to prove their worth and/or manhood.  The funny thing is that most, if not all, of the women appreciated them for being the man regardless of how much money they brought home.  If the man took care of business, lead the household, treated the women with love and respect, the man didn’t even have to work in the majority of the marriages I’ve witnessed.  But what was happening with many of the marriages, in which the woman brought home more money, the man would stress himself out by getting two jobs to keep up with the woman’s salary, resulting in more issues within the marriage, such as: not spending time together; not communicating; too tired for intimacy; and a bitterness and/or grudge held against the woman because she was happy either way.   What caused these problems?  Is it a man’s ego, self-worth, has he fulfilled his desires to become the man he wants to become or does he love himself?  All could be issues; however, the key for all problems within a marriage is: 1) to admit there is an issue; 2) determine what the issue is; 3) communicate truth with each other, regardless of the temporary pain it may cause; 4) make a plan and 5) implement plan to eliminate the negative contributing factors.

If a couple wants their marriage to survive they must put God first, communicate with each other during the good and bad – not their family members, and plan and work towards a common goal and understanding.  All must realize that one’s perspective is their reality until both perspectives are discussed and analyzed.

LOVING YOURSELF IN ORDER TO RECEIVE LOVE

How can loving someone be wrong?  In the Bible, the greatest two commandments are “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.”  And the second is like it: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Matthew 22:37, 39

Love is a word or form of expression that many use loosely.  Love has various meanings according to the individual, their beliefs, how they were raised and based on their experiences in life.

The bible speaks of four types of love (i.e. Eros, Storge, Phileo and Agape).  Eros is erotic love. Storge is love between families. Phileo is love shown as a natural affection to another based upon feelings.  Agape is love for one another regardless of imperfections. It is more spiritual in nature without erotic implications.

So what type of love am I referring to in the title, “Loving Yourself In Order To Receive Love”?  I’m referring to a mixture of all the loves combined; particularly, the love that exist in marriages and relationships, especially in the beginning.  Initially, both are on cloud nine. Their significant other can do no wrong.  Unfortunately one love is normally a little stronger than the others.  To make this easier to read, I’ll explain from a woman’s perspective; however, this is not to say that this experience is gender specific or exclusive to a male/female role in its entirety.

All the woman wants to do is show her man that her love is there to stay.  She wants to satisfy his every desire.  She pours everything that she could imagine, want or expect from her man onto him daily (i.e. run his bath water, have food hot and ready to be served to him when he gets home from work, ask him about his day, massage his neck and back, always proactively satisfying his wildest bedroom expectations, etc.).  Within, she’s thinking, okay, he’ll eventually treat me the same way.  Over time, the same routine continues, but now the man has grown accustomed to the treatment and the woman is beginning to lose the drive and momentum to satisfy.  Within, she believes that she is not loved. She’s thinking that she works just like he does and he has never even offered to provide her a massage; he never runs the bath water for her; although he cooks for friends and guests, he never cooks for her or have dinner ready to serve to her; he refuse to hear about the issues she’s having at work and cuts her off when she starts to discuss her problems of the day; no matter how rough or exhausting her day has been he expects that proactive bedroom satisfaction, etc.).

The woman is confused, hurting, depressed and feel as if she is in this marriage/relationship alone.  She feels like she is the door mat, until one day she just decides to stop doing period.  She buys fast food to serve; she tells him to just take a shower because she doesn’t feel like running the bath water or cleaning the tub when he gets out; she never ask him how was his day anymore; she doesn’t provide the usual massage and the proactive bedroom satisfaction is non-existent. So after a week, the man begins to figure that something is wrong.  His woman has changed and he doesn’t have a clue as to why.  He believes that it must be another man.

I can go on and on, but the moral of the story is that, the woman knew what she wanted and her purpose for doing what she did.  Initially, she said she was going to do what she wanted her man to do for her until he sort of caught on instead of telling him what she expected and wanted from him. This does not excuse the man for his selfishness in receiving and not giving back, for both played a significant role in the outcome of the marriage/relationship.  The key is that if the woman would have LOVED HERSELF more than she did her man, they would have never had these issues to begin with.  It is HARD to RECEIVE LOVE WHEN SOMEONE KNOWS that THEY MEAN MORE to YOU than YOU DO TO YOURSELF.  This type of mentality leads room for manipulation, mistrust, bitterness, unfaithfulness and eventually divorce/breakups.

Instead of being upfront with what they expect and plan to bring to a marriage and/or relationship, men/women conform to the lifestyle and acceptance of the other.  Many lose their own identity, self-esteem, independence, drive and most of all LOVE for SELF.  When you LOVE YOURSELF, you will be BETTER ABLE TO LOVE THE ONE YOU’RE WITH and RECEIVE THAT LOVE and SOME BACK.

TAKE THE TIME TO KNOW AND LOVE YOURSELF BEFORE YOU EXPECT ANYONE TO LOVE YOU THE WAY YOU WANT AND DESERVE TO BE LOVED.~ Linda Walker