As a Christian, one will never think of or believe in divorce. However, when one witness and experience a mental and/or physical abusive marriage, that divorce can be a blessing in disguise; especially if someone SELECTED one who they thought was their soul mate, instead of allowing GOD to ELECT the one that HE knows is their soul mate. If you haven’t read my first two Blogs, you may need to go to them to understand where I’m coming from. The warning signs are usually there, but many choose to ignore them because the positives, at the time, outweighed the negatives.
Summarizing the previous two Blogs “Factors that Contribute to Divorce Before Marriage” and “Loving Yourself to Receive Love”, if you aren’t able to deal with a behavior, characteristic or an attitude at the beginning, you won’t be able to deal with either later. If you do things for or treat your selected soul mate a certain way so that you can be treated the same, you’re fighting a losing battle. Remember that you have to love yourself in order to receive love. “The Impressions” says it best: “The Same Thing It Took To Get Your Baby Hook, It’s Going Take The Same Thing To Keep Her”.
Sometime the myths of love and relationships are just as damaging. For example, one myth is that if the man loves and respects his mother he’s going to love and respect the woman he’s with. Again, you have to think about the type of love the myth refers to. As I discussed in the previous Blogs, there are four different meanings in the bible for the word love. I would hope that a man doesn’t love his mother in an erotic way “Eros” like he would his mate, but as one loves a family member “Storge”. So we have to remember that everything that sounds good is not always good or apply to situations of today.
So what about these warning signs? There are so many subtle signs, that both men and women ignore. The signs can be minor or major; however, if repeated without addressing, it becomes an approved habit or behavior that continues to grow more and more after each success or win. In a marriage for example, a woman may believe that her money is hers, so she does what she wants with it. Whereas, the man may believe that they should put all money in a joint account; pay the bills; put some in savings and then divide the money that’s left between each other so that they can do what they please with their portion of the money. The problem comes when their independence along with the inability or unwillingness to compromise questions the love the couple has for one another. The question arise is if the love they have for each other is based off of the amount of money they have or is it the love that makes each complete with or without money. Both must truly realize that where the love of money exists, there are lies, mistrust and even competition. “For the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil. And some people, craving money, have wandered from the true faith and pierced themselves with many sorrows.” 1 Timothy 6:10 In addition, financial woes are a leading cause of divorce.
What if the man makes less money than the woman? Many men say they don’t care because that’s less they have to worry about. Some even say that as long as it’s in the household, it doesn’t matter to them. But is that really the case? When I say competition in the aforementioned paragraph, I refer to the negative aspect of competition. Some couples have a healthy competitive spirit. It’s like motivating one to do their best because the other is doing his/her best. It’s making plans together to accomplish a common goal, as well as individual goals. But what if the man and/or woman have a negative competitive spirit? What if a man brings home less money than a woman, but the woman is okay with it? I won’t say all, but the men I have witnessed in this situation appear to be always trying to prove themselves. It appeared to always have been a competition for them to prove their worth and/or manhood. The funny thing is that most, if not all, of the women appreciated them for being the man regardless of how much money they brought home. If the man took care of business, lead the household, treated the women with love and respect, the man didn’t even have to work in the majority of the marriages I’ve witnessed. But what was happening with many of the marriages, in which the woman brought home more money, the man would stress himself out by getting two jobs to keep up with the woman’s salary, resulting in more issues within the marriage, such as: not spending time together; not communicating; too tired for intimacy; and a bitterness and/or grudge held against the woman because she was happy either way. What caused these problems? Is it a man’s ego, self-worth, has he fulfilled his desires to become the man he wants to become or does he love himself? All could be issues; however, the key for all problems within a marriage is: 1) to admit there is an issue; 2) determine what the issue is; 3) communicate truth with each other, regardless of the temporary pain it may cause; 4) make a plan and 5) implement plan to eliminate the negative contributing factors.
If a couple wants their marriage to survive they must put God first, communicate with each other during the good and bad – not their family members, and plan and work towards a common goal and understanding. All must realize that one’s perspective is their reality until both perspectives are discussed and analyzed.