Tag Archives: committment

DIVORCED, BUT STILL SINGLE, WAITING, LOOKING….. GIVING UP!? A WOMAN’S PERSPECTIVE!!

After a divorce, many quickly jump into the dating scene for various reasons: to celebrate their new found freedom, as a sense of revenge, anger, loneliness, afraid to be alone, to prove worthiness, pride, compensate for the pain, replace old love, etc. But eventually, everything begins to get old.  Date after date, same thing and same results. The feelings that caused one to date after divorce have resurfaced. Why?  What causes such feelings to resurface?

Feelings resurface for various reasons.  It could be as a result of a female not really evaluating self long enough to know, love, and appreciate herself as a single woman before getting involved.  It could be that the external attractiveness of a man did not outweigh his negative internal attributes.  It could be that the man’s spirituality wasn’t deeply rooted, just surface grown.  It could be that the woman settled just to fulfill her need to have companionship, even when she saw the red flag(s).   Whatever the reason is, many women who are independent, self sufficient, loving, caring, spiritually grounded find themselves waiting, looking and possibly giving up on FINDING their true SOUL MATE.

WAITING – How long does a woman have to wait for true love?  Many women who have truly evaluated themselves, more than often, have created a list of acceptable and unacceptable attributes that they will or will not tolerate from a man.  Sometimes that list becomes a hindrance to the process; whereas, other times the list becomes a vehicle of progress, keeping the woman focused on the lessons learned from her past relationship(s), marriage, experience(s), as well as reminding her of the ultimate goal.  Does the man have the pertinent attributes to achieve the level of satisfaction that the woman desires and in turn fulfill his desires wholeheartedly as well?  Many will quickly tell a woman that her list is too long or unrealistic; that she’ll never find anyone with all of the listed attributes; and/or that she may be looking over a blessing that God has right in front of her WAITING.  As a result, many throw the list to the side and begin LOOKING for their soul mate.

LOOKING – How do women look for men?  Many women resort to social media, dating websites, church, sporting events, gyms and other social gatherings to look for a man.  However, some just go on with their daily routine waiting while looking, if that makes any sense.  They are out and about, doing their thing, but waiting on the man, who they may have an external attraction for, to approach them.  However, the man don’t approach them.  The women then begin to doubt themselves and wonder why.  Especially, when they see another woman getting the attention of that same man; although she appears to be less professional or lady like and dress very provocative.  So the women not getting the attention begin to lower their standards to obtain the same attention from men.  So their LOOKING becomes to FINDING a man who shows interest in them, but the man showing the interest only has one thing in mind.  Knowing this, the women are so thrilled to finally be noticed, that they go against the grain and against the list they’ve made based off of their past experiences.  While their intuitive spirit tells them to run, they begin to have a relationship with a man who does not measure up to anything on their list and does not add any value to their life.  As a result, many repeat the dreaded cycle of been there, done that, experienced that, reliving it and eventually GIVING UP.

GIVING UP – Why do women give up on finding their soul mate?  Many women give up, because they never put the true effort in evaluating their life, actions or understood why they experienced what they experienced.  They don’t connect the spiritual aspects of life with the physical aspects.  Sometimes, women jump in relationships because they fall head over hills in love with a man because he looks the part, he acts the part, he says the right things, he open doors for her, he pulls out her chair when going out to eat and he appears to be the perfect gentlemen – just can’t  do any wrong.  The next thing you know, the women are in the bed with the men, and guess what!??  The chivalry dissipates and/or the real man appears.  Of course, he could have already showed who he was, but the woman could have been so overwhelmed with what she was getting on the surface that she didn’t evaluate the intent and/or true signs of the relationship or if he even considered it a true relationship.  The problem exist because most women don’t ask the right questions, and most men will not reveal their true intent unless asked, if then.  As a continued cycle, most women fall prey to believing that the men are in love with them because of the time spent with them and the chivalry displayed for them.  Most women, but not all, are very emotional, believing  that intercourse is the most intimate way she can reveal her love for the men who they assume loves them; whereas, most men are logical thinkers. Most men do not connect love to intercourse initially.  Most men may even believe that a woman may be just thanking them for taking her out to eat, for the things he has done and/or that she has finally just given in to what she wanted in the beginning. Regardless of what, the key is to determine intent and consequences of taking it to the next level.  What has anyone gained by being intimate with someone they’ve known for a brief period of time? Do each know the others health status? Have the two gotten an appointment with the health department or have they scheduled a doctor’s visit to get tested for STDs, HIV or AIDS?  As a Woman, have you looked at your checklist to see if he even has the attributes you’re looking for in a man?

The answers provided to the questions above will help you ascertain if you will continue to Wait, Look Or Give up on a Soul Mate.  Women the key thing to remember is “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.” Proverbs 18:22 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”  Proverbs 3:5-6

DIVORCED? NOW WHAT? DID YOU IGNORE THE SIGNS – PART ll?

My conclusion in my previous Blog “Divorced? Now What? Did You Ignore the Signs?” was as followed:

If a couple wants their marriage to survive they must put God first, communicate with each other during the good and bad – not their family members, and plan and work towards a common goal and understanding.  All must realize that one’s perspective is their reality until both perspectives are discussed and analyzed.

However, what if only one spouse truly believes the above conclusion? What if one spouse says the right thing, but his/her actions show otherwise? What if there are signs of infidelity? Does Marriage Counseling really work? What if you ignored the signs due to his/her portrayal of spirituality?

In any marriage there are going to be differences of opinion. If a spouse expects everything to go his/her way, because that’s how it always has been, but all of a sudden it stops, communication is usually the first to go. That spouse begins to hold their true feelings to themselves. The built up feelings usually result in anger, ill feelings, hatred and disrespect towards that spouse. Ultimately, the built up feelings allows room for the evil spirit to enter their mind to further put a wedge in the marriage and eventually destroy it. The other spouse may not even have a clue that he/she is bothered to such extent, until their non communication leads to a lack of emotional and physical connection resulting in less intimacy and eventually infidelity. Yes, one thing usually leads to another real fast. This is usually due to ones ego, temptation, doubt, revenge and/or the need to feel wanted and appreciated.

Once that spouse finds consolation in someone who does not know him/her like their spouse does, they begin to gain their ego back. They feel good, like they did when everything was usually going their way in the household. They eventually communicate with their spouse again, but on a limited basis. They are happier than they were, but distant. Then the signs appear. They begin to work late, meet up with friends (whom they have never mentioned before) on weekends and after work, they begin to wear more and different cologne/perfume, dress differently, new underwear and no intimacy at home. They text more than normal all while ensuring that the phone is always faced down and/or close by when not in use. They have mysterious ringtones never used before and/or a code is now needed in order to gain access to use the cell phone. Money in joint accounts begin to dwindle, but when one spouse wants to know what has happened to the extra money, then the other wants a separate bank account (these signs are in no way all-inclusive and normally do not stand alone).

The spouse who has been faithful wonders what is happening with their marriage. He/she begins to regret not allowing things to go the way they have always gone, for if it had, maybe they would still have a happy marriage. [This goes back to my Blog “Loving Yourself In Order to Receive Love”. Remember in all situations of life “It is HARD to RECEIVE LOVE WHEN SOMEONE KNOWS that THEY MEAN MORE to YOU than YOU DO TO YOURSELF.”] The first thing that comes to the faithful spouse’s mind is Marriage Counseling. Once both agree and begin marriage counseling, the unfaithful spouse say the right things to show improvement, but his/her actions doesn’t quite matchup to what has been discussed and agreed upon. The Marriage Counselor can only go by what has been revealed by the couple during their sessions. When the issues brought up during counseling involve being distant and/or lack of communication, the Marriage Counselor normally suggests that the couple spend more time together; therefore, he/she advises the couple to have a night out for dinner or dance on a weekly basis. Although agreed upon, the unfaithful spouse is afraid that the one they’re with outside of the marriage may just be out and see him/her with their spouse. So instead of going out as agreed upon, the spouse picks up something to eat and bring it home as if the action taken was really an effort to spend QUALITY time together; while, in reality, that spouse may have just been protecting self from being exposed. Meanwhile, the faithful spouse continues to believe in his/her marriage because the unfaithful spouse has such a good reputation and is looked upon as a faithful member of the church and in the community. Because he/she believes that the unfaithful spouse is more spiritually connected than they are, the faithful spouse is totally clueless about the reality of the situation, until the unfaithful spouse files for a divorce and is soon remarried after the divorce is final.

A successful marriage requires commitment and compromise; however, many only appreciate marriage when things are going so well that no compromising and/or commitment is needed. If everything in life was good, there would be no mishaps to help one to grow and depend on God through his Son Jesus Christ. All marriages should have God as the foundation and be framed on trust, honesty, commitment, communication and forgiveness. Before you make the commitment, make sure you know what it entails. No one is going to agree upon everything all the time; therefore, listening, forgiving, communicating and compromising is essential to making it last.