Tag Archives: After Divorce

DIVORCED, BUT STILL SINGLE, WAITING, LOOKING….. GIVING UP!? A WOMAN’S PERSPECTIVE!!

After a divorce, many quickly jump into the dating scene for various reasons: to celebrate their new found freedom, as a sense of revenge, anger, loneliness, afraid to be alone, to prove worthiness, pride, compensate for the pain, replace old love, etc. But eventually, everything begins to get old.  Date after date, same thing and same results. The feelings that caused one to date after divorce have resurfaced. Why?  What causes such feelings to resurface?

Feelings resurface for various reasons.  It could be as a result of a female not really evaluating self long enough to know, love, and appreciate herself as a single woman before getting involved.  It could be that the external attractiveness of a man did not outweigh his negative internal attributes.  It could be that the man’s spirituality wasn’t deeply rooted, just surface grown.  It could be that the woman settled just to fulfill her need to have companionship, even when she saw the red flag(s).   Whatever the reason is, many women who are independent, self sufficient, loving, caring, spiritually grounded find themselves waiting, looking and possibly giving up on FINDING their true SOUL MATE.

WAITING – How long does a woman have to wait for true love?  Many women who have truly evaluated themselves, more than often, have created a list of acceptable and unacceptable attributes that they will or will not tolerate from a man.  Sometimes that list becomes a hindrance to the process; whereas, other times the list becomes a vehicle of progress, keeping the woman focused on the lessons learned from her past relationship(s), marriage, experience(s), as well as reminding her of the ultimate goal.  Does the man have the pertinent attributes to achieve the level of satisfaction that the woman desires and in turn fulfill his desires wholeheartedly as well?  Many will quickly tell a woman that her list is too long or unrealistic; that she’ll never find anyone with all of the listed attributes; and/or that she may be looking over a blessing that God has right in front of her WAITING.  As a result, many throw the list to the side and begin LOOKING for their soul mate.

LOOKING – How do women look for men?  Many women resort to social media, dating websites, church, sporting events, gyms and other social gatherings to look for a man.  However, some just go on with their daily routine waiting while looking, if that makes any sense.  They are out and about, doing their thing, but waiting on the man, who they may have an external attraction for, to approach them.  However, the man don’t approach them.  The women then begin to doubt themselves and wonder why.  Especially, when they see another woman getting the attention of that same man; although she appears to be less professional or lady like and dress very provocative.  So the women not getting the attention begin to lower their standards to obtain the same attention from men.  So their LOOKING becomes to FINDING a man who shows interest in them, but the man showing the interest only has one thing in mind.  Knowing this, the women are so thrilled to finally be noticed, that they go against the grain and against the list they’ve made based off of their past experiences.  While their intuitive spirit tells them to run, they begin to have a relationship with a man who does not measure up to anything on their list and does not add any value to their life.  As a result, many repeat the dreaded cycle of been there, done that, experienced that, reliving it and eventually GIVING UP.

GIVING UP – Why do women give up on finding their soul mate?  Many women give up, because they never put the true effort in evaluating their life, actions or understood why they experienced what they experienced.  They don’t connect the spiritual aspects of life with the physical aspects.  Sometimes, women jump in relationships because they fall head over hills in love with a man because he looks the part, he acts the part, he says the right things, he open doors for her, he pulls out her chair when going out to eat and he appears to be the perfect gentlemen – just can’t  do any wrong.  The next thing you know, the women are in the bed with the men, and guess what!??  The chivalry dissipates and/or the real man appears.  Of course, he could have already showed who he was, but the woman could have been so overwhelmed with what she was getting on the surface that she didn’t evaluate the intent and/or true signs of the relationship or if he even considered it a true relationship.  The problem exist because most women don’t ask the right questions, and most men will not reveal their true intent unless asked, if then.  As a continued cycle, most women fall prey to believing that the men are in love with them because of the time spent with them and the chivalry displayed for them.  Most women, but not all, are very emotional, believing  that intercourse is the most intimate way she can reveal her love for the men who they assume loves them; whereas, most men are logical thinkers. Most men do not connect love to intercourse initially.  Most men may even believe that a woman may be just thanking them for taking her out to eat, for the things he has done and/or that she has finally just given in to what she wanted in the beginning. Regardless of what, the key is to determine intent and consequences of taking it to the next level.  What has anyone gained by being intimate with someone they’ve known for a brief period of time? Do each know the others health status? Have the two gotten an appointment with the health department or have they scheduled a doctor’s visit to get tested for STDs, HIV or AIDS?  As a Woman, have you looked at your checklist to see if he even has the attributes you’re looking for in a man?

The answers provided to the questions above will help you ascertain if you will continue to Wait, Look Or Give up on a Soul Mate.  Women the key thing to remember is “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.” Proverbs 18:22 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”  Proverbs 3:5-6

AFTER DIVORCE – WHAT’S NEXT?

Who said it would be easy?  Many have difficulty adjusting to life after divorce.  Depending on the type of relationship held prior to the divorce, reason(s) for the divorce and the livelihood of each  after the divorce, it can be devastating to one and a blessing to the other; devastating to both, or a blessing to both.  Whatever the cause may be for the divorce, an acceptance of it determines how one moves on with his/her life.

Some may be so used to being married and are totally lost when it comes to dating; whereas, others may be ready for an adventure in hitting the dating scene.  A casual relationship may appease some; whereas, others may long for a committed relationship.  The problem comes when one wants one type of relationship, but the one whom they’re trying to get with wants the opposite. To avoid a misunderstanding or the feeling of being lied to, cheated on or taken advantage of, one must be specific as to what he/she wants when dating.  When one settles on the type of relationship based upon what the other wants or expects; instead of remaining true to self, they establish precedents and/or practices that may become detrimental to a future relationship with that person.  Although it’s good to compromise; setting aside what you want just to please another usually results in unwanted and unnecessary pain, stress, bitterness and misunderstanding.

After a divorce, before getting back into the dating scene and/or beginning a relationship, the following question should be asked of oneself:   Have you allowed yourself a chance to get to know yourself as a single man/woman before getting into a relationship?  Do you have baggage that will only allow you to continue the patterns of behavior you have previously succumbed to?  Have you searched your heart and realized what causes insecurity, intimidation, mistrust, jealousy, hurt and pain within you, and what actions to take to nip in the bud?  Do you really know what makes you happy?  How is your spiritual life?  Are you being proactive or reactive in your prayer life?  What can you bring to the table in a relationship? What are you expecting from a man/woman?   These are just a few questions that will help you to become focused on moving on after divorce.  Until you are able to answer the aforementioned, you stand a chance of reliving your past.  All things are normally good at the beginning.  But LIFE happens after the infatuation wears off and reality sets in.  The question is, “Are you honest and open enough with self to attract the same honesty and openness from another?”

After a divorce, usually one immediately clings to another relationship to sustain the heartache occurred because of the separation.  However, sometimes, it’s because the one who they have clung to is the one who was a major contributor to there being an ex- spouse.  In reality “Did You Train Your Ex for Their Next Lover”?  That’s an interesting topic that I will dive into via future blogs.

Until then, take one day at a time learning and loving you again while fulfilling your desires and dreams.  Remembering the following scriptures:

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5

“In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps.” Proverbs 16:9

“To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven” Ecclesiastes 3:1